Monday, February 27, 2012

There's just so much positive thinking a girl can do

It's all in your outlook. Think happy thoughts. Remember the positive. Count your blessings.

You know, there's only so much positive thinking and counting your blessings a girl can do before she just can't do no more!

To say I'm in a dark mood is an understatement: I've reached my limit on bullshit and stress. I cannot take one more ounce of worry or anger. Not one more. I'm serious, Universe, so knock it off! Let me say thank you to everyone who sends me positive energy and warm fuzzy thoughts, but unless you're showing up on my doorstep with a bottle of Sapphire Gin and a basket of limes, I don't want to hear it.

Yes, I know, it's all in the way you look at things and it really is important to stay focused on the good. There are many many many happy and wonderful things in my life and I am the master at redirecting the negative into something creative and life affirming. My every waking moment is a battle to keep "happy thoughts" at the front of my brain while watching my only child suffer. But I'm human, okay. I'm not a frickin Saint, although people seem to believe I am. "How do you do it, Terena?" they wonder while shaking their heads in amazement.

Anti-depressents, therapy and alcohol. How do you do it?

I hate feeling sorry for myself, in fact I go to great lengths avoiding that particular emotion. It's a waste of energy and time. Life's too short to be resentful and angry. Life is a gift, and we only get one (as far as we know for sure) so what's the point of worrying about what has happened or didn't happen? The problem with this theory is that we're also human, and humans are... human. We're frail and we break easily, especially our psyches.

Why so blue? I turned 45 on Feb. 4th and ever since that day life has taken a dramatic downward spiral. I've had to deal with my crazy mom (I'm speaking literally here), a shoulder injury (mine. try taking care of someone when it hurts to move), illness (again, my own. 2 weeks of feeling like hell while still taking care of everything), Queen Teen's new and sudden physical problems (gagging on her food, a throbbing knee and her right hand that's been tingly for weeks. this is the same one she injured two months ago.), and to top it all off, the almost collapse of her school program.

You want to know how strong I am? I can sit through a two hour meeting with teachers and therapists and discuss unforeseen problems with her educational program while keeping my growing anger in check and mediate for the others who are becoming frustrated, all with the goal of keeping the communication going, and even with the knowledge that I'm not able to fix a damn thing.  I did all of this with the flue! And I still need to keep my emotions in check if anything will change, especially because I'm walking that very thin line between "Mommy" and "Teacher." Lets see any so called Super Mom do the same.

So if I want to feel sorry for myself and hate the world now and then, I think I've earned it. Forgive my dark, sarcastic ass. I don't want to think happy thoughts!

I'm a leaf on the wind...   Splat!


Anonymous said...

I hear you. There is nothing else to say, no platitudes you haven't already heard, no directions that you don't already know. No help with the burdens. But I do hear you.


dlefler said...

Sometimes things just suck. I've been battling depression and anger lately with Nolan's current medical shenanigans.

I really hope that Queen Teen regains the ability to swallow well - Nolan occasionally chokes on thin liquids but does fine with thicker liquids and with food.

Sometimes things just pile up and you get to be in a dark mood for a while. No one would face this level of difficulty with a smile on their face and a skip in their step (unless they were insane). I hope things look up soon for everyone involved - hugs to you.

Terena said...

Thank you so much for the comments and support

RobinH said...

Ah, that really sucks. Certainly understandable you'd be feeling frustrated, worried and angry. And being in pain and sick is totally the frosting on the meadow-muffin.

I'd personally apply a bucket of ice cream and a trashy novel, but that's me.

I hope things improve soon.