Solstice: The holiday that celebrates nerdiness

image from http://www.realmagick.com/solstices-and-equinoxes

Solstice is a big event in my family. We decorate the Solstice tree, string the house with as many holiday lights as we can before blowing the fuses, and open most of our presents. It's the day we celebrate our family, just the three of us. There are no outside obligations, like mom wondering why we didn't invite her over, or long drives in Christmas traffic. We often have a few friends over to share a good meal and some good bottles of wine. It's a relaxed, carefree, do whatever we want, kind of holiday.

Plus, Solstice is really frickin cool!

Solstice is a celebration of the return of sunlight. The Sun has traveled as far to the southern horizon as it can get in our hemisphere and it will now begin to climb back toward the north, bringing longer days with more light. Yes, I know, the Sun isn't actually going anywhere, the Earth is doing all of the traveling, and it's the angle of the Earth in relation to the Sun that changes the Sun's position.  Which is exactly why Solstice is so cool. The Earth has traveled to this specific position on it's journey around the Sun, marking the exact location where the days will begin to get longer for us. This is as dark as it's going to get.

Ancient peoples marked this occasion and celebrated with bonfires and music, which is where we get Christmas lights and Christmas carols (maybe I made that last one up). We can't light a bonfire in our yard anymore or the cops get upset, so we wind hundreds of colorful lightbulbs all over our homes to chase away the darkness, just as our ancestors did with their bonfires and candles.

I'm not a pagan (technically I guess I am because I'm not Christian), so my family doesn't attend the Pagan celebrations in our community. I guess you'd call me a Scientific Pagan; my holidays focus on astronomy and nature. I drink champagne when NASA sends a new probe into space, or when scientists discover something new about the universe. I was absolutely giddy when they discovered a new planet in the "Goldie Locks zone." And I cried when the last Space Shuttle flight landed. No more launches.

Solstice and Equinox are the holidays that let me fly my nerd flag, when I can debate with other nerds the exact time of day winter begins. The Winter Solstice happens at the exact same moment all over the world, and is officially clocked in Universal Time at 5:30 pm on December 22nd. But what is the exact time in our own timezone? Here is an article from Earthsky that will help you determine the exact clock-time for your timezone. For Pacific Daylight Time (my own timezone) I need to subtract 7 hours from the Universal Time (5:30 pm on the 22nd - 7 hours = 11:30 pm on the 21st). Did I do that right?

I'm a science nerd, but unfortunately not a math nerd.

The universe is more beautiful and mysterious than you can possibly imagine, filled with wonders and constantly evolving. As soon as you think you've got it figured out, a new discovery will shake your hypothesis into nonsense. And the Earth, our planet, our home, is this beautiful vessel filled with just as much beauty and wonder as the universe it was created from. We should honor that wonder. Recognize the impossible odds that allow us to be here.

This is why I celebrate Solstice. This is why I proudly call myself a nerd.

Lead Free?

While Christmas shopping at a department store, I was perusing the toy aisle when I saw a Disney Princess jewelry set that proudly announced on the package in bold, sparkling letters, "Lead Free!"

Wait a minute...

WTF?

I know there have been warnings about lead in toys for years, but seeing that little package of pink plastic, Sleeping Beauty inspired necklaces with the happy announcement that the contents were indeed "Lead Free" made me look around the rest of the toy aisle nervously. I stared at the Barbies in their party dresses and sequins, at the Dora the Explorer play-sets and the Play-School dollhouses with brightly colored plastic furniture, and then at the plastic model ponies. So many lovely, entertaining, fun things our children can play with.

Which ones are full of lead?

And if they are full of lead, why are they being sold to anyone?

Why is it okay for a business to create, import and distribute toys that are toxic to play with? Do the people who sign off on toxic toys as "safe" know they're approving potentially harmful items to kids? And if so, do they then allow their own children to play with them?

Okay, maybe I'm making a big leap here by assuming that just because a toy doesn't have a "lead free" sticker it must be full of lead. This is probably more a marketing gimmick than a statement of fact. But you gotta admit, it does raise a lot questions about the toys are kids are playing with.

Often I hear a politician or business leaders say on the news that stricter controls on lead and other toxins would be bad for business and could cause larger economic harm. They say if manufacturers had to test for hazards, or if those hazardous materials were banned from toys and other items, thousands of jobs would be lost because of the drop in profits for the business.

But I want to know, why should we have to trade the health of our children for jobs?

When I run the world, there will be no toxins, especially lead, in any toy or item of clothing or food or anything our kids might come in contact with. Period. No exceptions. And anyone who bitches about how taking toxins out of consumer goods is "bad for business" will be fined one million dollars. That money will go directly to children's health care.

It will be a great day when every single toy can have a label proclaiming "Lead Free." It will be an even better day when lead in toys will be such a thing of the past a "Lead Free" sticker will be considered quant and old-fashioned.

If you'd like more information about lead and products that may contain the toxin, check out the Environmental Protection Agency website at http://www.epa.gov/lead/

What is Veteran's Day?

Queen Teen came home from school yesterday frustrated. "They were trying to tell me why there's no school tomorrow, but I don't understand." It's Veteran's Day, but Queen Teen has no idea what a veteran is.

I showed her pictures of soldiers and told her they are people who work very hard for us. That's why we all say thank you to them on Veteran's Day. She studied the pictures and asked a few questions, but still looked confused. Then she asked what one of them was carrying.

"That's a gun," I said.

She stared at me, unable to hear me. So I pantomimed the universal finger sign for gun that every four year old knows. She shook her head.

"I just don't get it." 

My daughter has no idea what a soldier is, or a gun. She doesn't know what war is, and doesn't understand killing. And I decided I'm okay with that. 

But that doesn't mean I don't think about our soldiers. I have a great respect for our soldiers and I worry about them fighting in Afghanistan. In fact, it drives me crazy that people so easily forget that we're at war. We go about our daily lives untouched by the hardships they face every day, our biggest complaint being the price of gas. And it enrages me how our elected officials fight over raising taxes or reducing the deficit. Really? You don't understand why there's a huge deficit? It really has nothing to do with the fact we've been fighting two wars for the last ten years? And I know no one wants to think about this, but maybe if our taxes were higher and we were forced to live with the specter of war every day, we'd all demand that the troops come home now. What better way to bring down the deficit then to bring home our soldiers safe and alive?

This Veterans Day, let's remember the men and women who are fighting and dying right now. 

No more trick-or-treating

Queen Teen has decided she's a little too old for trick-or-treating. After panicking that her princess dress was too small, and sending her dad on a frantic hunt to find a new dress, Queen Teen announced that she didn't want to dress up after all.

Teenagers, the inspiration for Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Instead, she and I wore our Minnie Mouse ears and walked downtown to see all the little ones in their cute costumes go trick-or-treating at local businesses. Spider Man seemed to be particularly popular with the 5 to 9 boys, and Princesses were a favorite for the 50th year in a row for the young girls. Queen Teen loved the babies dressed up as pumpkins and teddy bears and butterflies. We didn't intentionally hunt for candy with the crowd, but many of the businesses handed us candy anyway, and many commented on our Minnie ears, which made Queen Teen giggle.

Maybe not too old to play dress up?

That night, she helped me hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters, who "oohed" and "aahed" over our yard of decapitated pumpkin heads. It made me realize that Halloween has changed for Queen Teen, but she still enjoys it. Instead of our family just focusing on her and what she wants to be (princess, princess, princess, princess...), we can now focus on decorations and handing out candy. We can be that "cool house" all the kids know about and drag their parents to see. The house with the scary yard and the really good candy.

Oh yeah... this is gonna be fun.

Vlad the Impaler's jack-o-lantern collection

My husband and I spent several hours on Sunday carving pumpkins and decorating the front yard. Inspired by Vlad the Impaler (aka Dracula), he made spikes out of metal and wood while I started carving pumpkins. When we impaled a jack-o-lantern on a spike, it made a satisfying, popping, squishy sound and pumpkin goo slid out of the puncture. Gruesome!

Happy Halloween, from my muse, Medusa

Medusa pumpkin carved by Ray Villafane. See more of his carvings at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/8087634/Bizarre-Halloween-Jack-OLantern-pumpkins-carved-by-Ray-Villafane.html?image=4

A beautiful May Day

We've had another cool Spring so far, but on Sunday the weather turned warm and perfect: high 70's, soft breeze, no clouds. Every flower that had been timidly blooming in the unseasonal 50 degree temperatures sprung into life with a brilliance of color and a blast of pollen.

I've been sneezing my head off ever since, but I don't mind. It's just too beautiful around here.

Queen Teen and I harvested the mint to make room for the new garden space.

We had planted a huge patch of mint when we moved here, 8 years ago, but when we decided to expand the garden we had to dig them all up because they were hogging the sun. 

Once the harvest was finished, Rick spent all of Sunday creating the new garden area: building an 8 x 8 frame, hauling in dirt, mixing in compost, and putting down wire to keep the gophers out. Here it is, already christened with our Princess Scarecrow:

Unfortunately, the sudden warm weather woke up more than just the flowers.

Guess what this is....

Aphids, aphids everywhere and not a stem to see

After I blasted them off the rose bush with a the hose, I squirted the stems with dish soap, but I'm not sure I got them all. This is a large rose bush (more like a tree) and there must be a million aphids on it. We've had aphids before, but never like this! 

But I didn't let the aphid invasion ruin my day. Once I finished working in the yard, Queen Teen and I went for a stroll in the neighborhood and walked under this tree:

The bees were humming as we passed, and Queen Teen sang at the top of her little lungs, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!"

Happy May Day

New Year's Bloom

This morning I saw that my orchid had bloomed. It was a gift from last Christmas and after a couple of months of lovely blooms, they all fell off. I figured the plant was "done," but since it was still alive, I kept it, watering it and feeding it, but pretty much ignoring it. Then eight weeks ago I noticed that it had grown a new stem, and shortly after that, tiny buds formed. I just kept watering it and feeding it as usual, and over time the buds swelled. On New Years eve I saw that one of the buds had swollen so much there was a distinct line on it. Was it going to bloom?

New Years Day, my orchid bloomed, exposing bright white, pink splotched petals. There are five more buds still thinking about blooming and I have no idea if they will. One might be ready, the others are so small they may just drop off.

One perfect flower has bloomed, and I'm taking it as a sign that 2011 is the year my life also blooms. I don't usually believe in signs, instead I lean more toward cause-and-effect patterns (Karma, if you will). But my orchid blooming on New Year's is too beautiful. I've put in many years of hard work and struggle, perhaps it will all start to come to fruition at last. Hell, I'll settle for graduating on time and getting a job. At any rate, seeing that bloom pushed me to stop being so blue and have a little hope for a change.

The funny thing is that I'm not an orchid person. I have no idea how this plant bloomed again. I haven't fed it orchid food or doused it with warm, distilled water like I hear you're supposed to do. It has thrived on ordinary plant food and the same level of neglect all my house plants live under. So the fact it didn't just live, but bloomed again, feels like a gift.

Btw, the picture on the wall behind the plant is by Clay Vajgrt, an anniversary gift from Rick two years ago. It felt so perfectly "me," I had to have it. The artist paints other meditating heroes (you should see his Batman!).

Happy New Year, everyone. May your new year bloom as well.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again

It's New Year's Eve and I'm helping Queen Teen make Thank You cards for the people who sent her gifts. She and I will celebrate together with some sparkling apple juice, pizza, and a Tinker Bell movie marathon. I wonder which of us will fall asleep first, or will this be the year we both stay awake until midnight? It feels important to stay awake. I need to see this year officially ended.

And in the morning, we all start with a fresh slate and 364 days to try again. Will we learn from our mistakes? Get it right this time? Take more risks? Actually stick to that diet? How many resolutions can one person make and keep? Any?

Despite my feelings of defeat, I too will wake up in the morning with a bit more optimism. Maybe this will be my year? I can't help it. I often get the blues, but ultimately I can't stay down long. Life is just too interesting to hide under the covers.

I can't remember if I've already shared this video here, but I taught myself this song last month and it cheers me up every time I sing it. Feels perfect for a New Year.

Happy New Year, dear friends. Enjoy the adventure. Who knows what will happen in a new year that starts off 1-1-11?

I'm gonna wash 2010 right out of my hair

The first monday after Christmas and 2011 is less than a week away. I cannot wait for 2010 to be done! I want to finish everything from this year that is still hanging over my head: three more chapters in the "Red Book" to study for my exam, several blog posts to prepare, sales and inventory to total up for Medusa's Muse, my overflowing pantry to organize, all of the laundry finally done, my house scrubbed until every drop of dust from 2010 has vanished.

None of this will happen of course. With my daughter home 24/7, I'll probably get one more chapter read before New Years, if I'm lucky. Plus, my washing machine broke two days before Christmas, so the laundry won't be finished. 2010's dirty socks will most likely still be lying on the hallway floor in 2011.

I always feel this way at New Years. Instead of feeling excitement for a new year, I feel relief the old one is over. Whew! I made it through another year! Then I plop on the couch, open the champagne, and mentally prepare myself for another frickin year.

New Years is not my best time. Some people get the blues at Christmas, I get depressed on New Years.

Today, I'm taking Queen Teen to Santa Rosa for a little post-Christmas shopping with her holiday money. Tomorrow I'll study Chapter 10 (Environmental Accessibility). Some time this week, I'll do a couple of loads of laundry at a friend's house and perhaps on Thursday visit my brother and his family. Queen Teen's best friend is her cousin. I'll do my best to wipe away 2010 and accept the fact that some of this year will still be there on Jan 1st. It always is. Like my gray hair and extra pounds.

Peace on Earth, Good Will to All

Christmas Eve, 2010. Cajun music is blasting while my husband and I make Alligator Gumbo, Red Beans and Rice with Taso, vegetables boiled in Cajun spices, and Bread Pudding in Whiskey Sauce, plus a shrimp and spinach quiche for our friends who can't tolerate the spices of Cajun cooking. In a couple of hours, several friends are coming for a Cajun Christmas celebration. My husband is from New Orleans and loves to cook, so Christmas Eve is the perfect time to cook all day and try new recipes. The house smells of onion, bell pepper, cayenne, chicken stock, and Andouille sausage. The champagne is on ice, the house is clean, and I just changed my clothes into something more festive. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...

I've been trying to write something meaningful and important about the season, but so far all I can manage is this:

Whoever you are, and whatever holiday you celebrate, may your days filled with joy, laughter, and love.

And here's a bit of Cajun Christmas to get you in the spirit:

Bonne Christmeusse!

Thankful for such a full, prosperous life

And there they go again, more weeks flying by. My days are filled with learning and work, my evenings with family and home. I am weary and frantic most of the time. Some days I drag myself out of bed, unable to open my eyes until I've had more than half a cup of coffee. By 7 PM I'm ready for bed again, my brain overwhelmed with everything it's managing at once.

For all of this, I am thankful.

It's funny that I'd feel this way. Maybe it's the holiday. Today, despite my fatigue, I realized that I am this tired because my life is filled with prosperity. Not the monetary kind (that sure would be nice someday), but the learning, growing, adventuring, challenging kind. When I step away from the stress and frustration of grad school, I am able to see how much both my child and my self are thriving. The reason I am so worn  out is because of the possibilities in my life. My world has gotten bigger with more opportunity.

All I have to do is figure out how to get through this time with my sanity somewhat intact.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. May you know your own blessings, including the ones you might think are so hidden it's a wonder you can call them blessings at all. Those are where the real riches of life lie buried.

Happy Halloween! Does Johnny Depp know he has a twin brother?

Johnny Depp's evil twin, Skippy

 

 

 

 

         

For those who don't know, I am a HUGE Johnny Depp fan (since way back, not just since Jack Sparrow. I've even seen Dead Man and liked it). 

I wore this to a drag show and people loved it. "You look just like him!" several people said. It was eerie to see Johnny Depp looking back at me from the mirror. Kind of takes my Johnny adoration to a narcissistic level. 

Queen Teen, on the other hand, was pure girl.

Fairy Princess of the world!

Fairies and Princesses are her two favorite things, so we combined them this year. Thank goodness she didn't say Sponge Bob, her other favorite thing. I didn't have that costume stashed in the closet. 

She went trick-or-treating this evening... at night...in the dark... in unfamiliar areas... all things that would typically send her into a complete melt-down. Even when we had to walk in the street because her wheelchair couldn't fit on the sidewalk, she didn't panic. We went door to door for over an hour, far longer than I thought she'd last, and she remembered to say thank you and even looked at the person when they offered her candy. It was great! I will remember this Halloween forever because this is the one year we went trick-or-treating like the other kids. Funny how you don't realize you want something until it happens.

And now for my all time favorite Halloween joke, which I learned it in the 2nd grade and never forgot:

Why do witches ride brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.        Bwahahahahahahahahahahaa

Happy Halloween.

The feel of hummingbirds zooming past my head

Queen Teen and Rick flew to Austin, Texas to visit family for 10 days and since I had my last internship meeting this past Saturday, I couldn't go. Okay, I admit it, there's a part of me that was happy not to go. I would love to see everyone and I miss my girl and hubby, but the peace and quiet has been amazing! After a few days, the constant ache in my jaw and shoulders dissipated, the knot in my stomach faded, and my thoughts stopped hopping around like a drunk frog on a hot plate. I could take a deep breath and feel calm for the first time in... how long? Years?

I went to the coast with my dear friend, Jody, and stayed at The Howard Creek Ranch B n B, an eclectic, beautiful property tucked between the ocean and a thick grove of redwoods. Built in 1879, the rooms are in the old farm house and the redwood coach house, both crammed with antiques and odd treasures. Hummingbirds battle for the garden, which overflows with flame-red, yellow, ice-blue, and white flowers, nasturtium, berry vines, and roses. Fat, friendly cats curl up in your lap when you sit to read in the sunshine. The inn is run by an older couple who serve you a hearty breakfast every morning. There's a narrow swinging bridge across a creek choked with blackberries, and at night you can hear the ocean crashing back and forth on the beach. It is my favorite place on the Mendocino Coast.

Jody and I spent three days there, lounging, going for hikes, talking, eating, and writing of course. I finished an essay that had been haunting me for months, and started working on my play again. By the time I got home after all that relaxing, I felt as if I'd been smoking dope on a hot beach. My head was fuzzy and the world seemed strangely distant. Walking into my house, the silence felt as loud as a rock concert. There was no Queen Teen shouting "Mom!" as I walked through the door, no husband cussing in the bedroom while he works on another computer, no dog bounding at me in greeting (she was at the kennel), no roar of a dishwasher or radio. Everything was still. I went to bed early with a book and breathed deeply the solitude.

Is it possible to have stress withdrawals? I'm so used to the pace of the last 2 years of grad school, of being mom and wife and keeping a roof over our head and food on the table and running a publishing company... feeling calm was bizarre. I soaked up relaxation like a starving person and now felt fat and lazy on it. But God I wanted more! Give me more calm and peaceful days, more silence. Let me get sick on it until I turn into a lump in the hammock with a book stuck on my nose. I've done constant stress, I'd like to try constant calm.

Saturday was my last internship meeting and during class our teacher explained the certification test and the master's exam. After listening for half an hour, the fog lumbering through my mind cleared and I felt the tension return to my jaw and shoulders. Ah, there it is... the churning knot in my gut. The fear lapping at my ankles. Then when she told us how much the fees for those exams are, I felt a rush of adrenaline flow through my body, chasing out the last bit of lazy still wrapped around my bones.

Back to normal once again.

But now that I know what calm feels like, I wonder if I can duplicate that feeling during my normal days? Can I learn to hold on to the feeling of sitting quietly in the garden at Howard Creek with a fat, black and white farm cat curled up in my lap and the hummingbirds dashing around, fighting for the best blossom just inches from my head. Even though I could feel them flying past me so close their momentum created a breeze on my cheek, I wasn't startled. I watched them and smiled. They are so like me, like all of us I suppose, zooming around and fighting for a crumb of pollen from the best blossom, not able to see the beauty of the flower they're fighting for.

Bourre the dog is back, worn out from playing with the dogs at the kennel for four days, and Queen Teen and Rick will be home on Tuesday.  I have several tasks to get done before then, and an awful lot of studying to do in preparation for my master's exam. But the bigger goal is to remember to stop and enjoy the flower I'm fighting for, rather than being a humming bird all the time.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

This made me giggle. Happy Chinese New Year, everyone. It's the year of the Tiger.

Growwwwwllllll

Happy Pictures

I've been trying to upload video of Queen Teen and her grandmother playing with QT's village, but I'm not having any luck. Instead, here are a few photos.

Queen Teen and her grandparents made a gingerbread house together.



Here's Gran cementing the walls with frosting.



Queen Teen and Gran played with her village. Queen Teen has a "snow ball" (cotton batting) on her nose.



Then she decided Gran should put it on her nose, too.




And lastly, here's a picture of my Christmas gift from my hubby. Two, black iron wall sconces with gold candles to go with our New Orleans themed living room (my hubby is from there).



If I ever figure out how to upload the video, you can see how much fun Queen Teen and Gran actually had, but for now, enjoy the photos.

The New Year

Every New Year's Eve, I stare out the window feeling exhausted by the past year and dreading the new one. It's been this way for so many years I've lost count. When I wake up in the morning on new year's eve I feel so depressed I can barely get out of bed. Every year is a battle to keep myself going, keep a roof over our head and food on the table, keep the car running, myself running, my family thriving. Every year I fight to get my daughter what she needs: specialists, therapists, equipment, support, an education and medical care. 2009 was a particularly impossible year, so this year's New Year's Eve depression was worse than usual. It's just too much, sometimes. And next year is looking even more difficult.

How did I think I could go to grad school and raise my daughter at the same time? Last year was an exhaustive juggling act, one which has pretty much destroyed my publishing company (Medusa's Muse) and halted my own writing. Pure stubbornness has kept me going and kept my press alive long enough to finish our last book (for a while. I refuse to shut my press down completely! As I said, I'm stubborn).

And now I've been told that these last semesters are the easy ones.

You have got to be kidding!

On New Year's Eve 2009 over my morning cup of decaf, I made the mistake of looking at everything that's coming in 2010 and suddenly felt my heart pound like it would bruise my ribs. The class load for Spring 2010 is intense, followed by a Summer crammed with as many classes as SF State will provide (which due to the State budget cuts may not be that much), and then I do two, ten week, full time internships in the Fall of 2010. All of this on top of taking care of my depressed, fourteen-year-old daughter who's struggling with her disabilities and who needs more care now than she did when she was five. Plus, both my hubby and I are unemployed, but it will be a year before I can get a job. How the hell are we going to keep our house?

Breath, Terena. Breath.

But then on New Year's day, I woke up feeling strong and eager. It was a brand new year and the eternal optimist in me kicked off the panic stricken hangover from 2009 and took a deep breath. I have no idea how I'll manage school this year, or how I'll find a way to help my daughter, but I know I will. And I don't know if we'll keep the house or pay our bills, but my husband and I are a great team and we've always found a way. Again, I don't have a clue how we'll do it, but I know in my bones that we will.

One month at a time. Don't worry about anything else. Just get through 2010 one month at a time.

Where did the last two weeks go?

Wow. What happened to the last two weeks of 2009? One minute I was driving home after class, feeling proud that I’d passed my classes with good grades, and the next thing I know it’s New Year’s day, 2010. Christmas flew by at mach speed on the back of a fat reindeer leaving a wreck of wrapping paper and cookie crumbs in my house. There are 6 extra pounds on my frame (6!) and I haven’t written anything in ten days. All I remember is having a lot of fun.

Queen Teen spent Christmas with her dad in San Francisco this year, so Rick and I decided to take Christmas off. We bought several bottles of good Saki and got good and drunk for three days. Normally he and I play tag-team childcare while dashing from one job to the next: rarely do we have the time for fun. So this year, we played… HARD. On Christmas day we watched South Park, went to the movies and saw Sherlock Holmes (best performance of Watson ever!), then we danced around our living room in our undies to 90’s dance music, laughing and joking and making total fools of ourselves. The day after Christmas we drove to the closest city and saw Avatar in 3D (the word “stunning” doesn’t convey how truly beautiful this film is), then stopped on our way home at Mary’s Pizza Shack for Gluten Free pizza. Yes, Gluten Free pizza at a pizza parlor. I haven’t been to a pizza parlor in 10 years. It was a thoroughly decadent, self-indulgent, goof-off, anti-Christmas Christmas: exactly what the doctor ordered. By day four I was hung-over and tired of eating junk food, and although I could’ve used a few more days to sleep, I was ready for Queen Teen’s return and the arrival of my in-laws. We rushed around that morning cleaning the evidence of our three-day party (how did goat cheese get on the ceiling?).

I love my in-laws, and luckily they like me. They live in Texas so we don’t get to see them very often. His parents claimed Queen Teen as their granddaughter the first day we met, back when Rick and I first started dating. Queen Teen was two years old and she latched onto her “Gran” immediately, spending hours every day sitting on Gran’s lap listening to stories and playing with dolls. Despite the fact she is not biologically theirs, and they now have other grandchildren, my in-laws have remained steadfast in their devotion to Queen Teen. Queen Teen adores her “Gran and Gramps.”

After a lovely visit, they flew home two days ago. Now Queen Teen is moping around the house as usual, complaining there’s nothing to do (despite brand new toys, books and movies!). Rick is racing from computer to computer trying to finish projects and get ready for school again, and I’m suddenly overwhelmingly exhausted. We have been celebrating the holidays since Dec. 20th when we had a Solstice dinner. Before the holidays I finished the last weeks of school with projects, exams, and papers. It’s been a crazy dash through December and my body feels the wear. But I had a fabulous time saying goodbye to 2009.

Happy New Year, my dear blogging pals. Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do reading your blogs, and a few extra posts of my own to write. I'm looking forward to reading about your adventures in the 2010.

Christmas still makes Queen Teen smile

Queen Teen has been depressed for months; 75% of the time, she frowns, sighs, complains and argues. She smiles only 25% of the time. Some of this is typical teen-aged angst, but some is due to the impact her disabilities have on her life. I've been so worried about her.

Last week, my husband pulled her Christmas village stuff from the attic while I cleared off the large, "plant window" (it usually holds two glass shelves packed with plants). I found new, temporary homes for all my plants, and then scrubbed the dirt and mold from the glass panes and shelves. Queen Teen watched, but didn't seem all that excited about setting up her village.

"You're taller now, so you can use both of the shelves," I said.

She stood beside the window and measured her height. "I can see the top shelf."

"Yep. And you have a lot more stuff for your village. You'll need the room."

Together we lay cotton batting down for snow and arranged the buildings. I inserted the lights into the buildings then opened the box of village people and handed them to Queen Teen one by one. She smiled when she looked at them and talked about how silly it is to "ride a bicycle in the snow," or "jump rope in the snow." It took about an hour to arrange everything, and then I hung the string of LED star lights above the village so it looks like the aurora borealis. Usually, Queen Teen breaks into a Christmas song once the village is set up, but this time, she just smiled and said, "Pretty."

Had she outgrown her village, too?

Over the next few days I noticed that Queen Teen spent more time looking at her little village people. She talked to herself about what they were doing and how fun playing in the snow must be. When I hung the wreath that we made last year on the door, she grinned and said, "That's pretty." Then the neighbors across the street set up their mega-Christmas lights display (they must use 500 strands of lights!) and that really made Queen Teen excited. Every night we peek through the front window to look at the neighbors sparkling lights and their illuminated snow men and deer.

Two nights ago, Queen Teen took my hand and led me to the village. "It's fun to play in the snow," she said, then threw a cotton batting snow ball at me. She giggled loudly and I laughed, then tossed the "snow ball" back at her. We chatted about what you can do in the snow, like build a snow man, ice skate, go sledding, make an angel, and even jump rope, but that idea made Queen Teen giggle more. Her eyes sparkled as she talked to me. There's my happy girl again.

Last night, Queen Teen sang "Santa Claus is coming to town" in the bathtub, the first Christmas song of the year, and my heart sang with her. It's been too long since she's sung so loudly and cheerfully. She now talks about presents and what she might like, as well as what she might buy for others. Her eyes twinkle when she thinks about Christmas.

I wish Christmas lasted all year.

The Christmas Jar

On the day before Thanksgiving, a strange package arrived addressed to my husband and me. No name or return address. Inside was a book called "Christmas Jars," and inside the book was an envelope which contained a cashier's check. Again, no name, no address, no note of explanation.

"What's this?" I asked, holding up the check and book.

"I don't know," my husband replied. "Did I sell something on ebay?"

"Maybe, but why the book?"

"Weird."

We discussed the possibilities. He'd just done a bunch of computer work for a friend for free so maybe this was her way of saying thank you, or maybe it was from his other friend who liked to surprise people with silly little gifts. But why the money?

I sat down and scanned the book. The book and the money must be related. Flipping through the pages I read, "Since the first printing of the Christmas Jars, many readers from across the country have contacted me to share their own personal Christmas Jar miracle..." Oh my God.

"It's a Christmas jar. Someone sent us a Christmas jar."

My husband looked up from his laptop. "What?"

I read the passage from the introduction to him and then read more. "I hope that when you give your own jar away, or if you've received this book with a jar meant for you, you will visit the website and tell me about it. The world would love to hear your anonymous story."

We stared at each in silence. A stranger had sent us a check which equaled whatever amount they kept in a jar to help us with Christmas because they felt we needed the help. No strings attached or word of explanation. Just a check and a book.

Neither my husband nor I knew what to say. On the one hand it felt wonderful knowing there were people in the world who wanted to help and had chosen to help us. On the other, it was horrible to think we were one of "those" people: the needy. I looked at our situation and saw two unemployed people who could barely pay the bills and who went to the food bank twice a week to make ends meet. We were raising a child who had major disabilities and we'd decided we couldn't afford Christmas this year. I knew it was bad, but my husband and I tend to be stoic; we just keep working and moving forward without much thought about our circumstances. What else can you do? But to an outsider, I guess our situation looks like something from a Lifetime Movie. Looking at the book and the check, we both felt grateful, humbled and ashamed.

We didn't talk about the gift anymore. The reality of it was too much. Were people really this kind? How could we possibly accept this? Did we deserve this kind of handout? Are we really this bad off that total strangers are sending us money?

It took a couple of days for me to let go of the shame generated from the gift. Feeling shame takes away from the spirit of the gift. Giving us the book and the money made whomever sent them feel good to know they could help. We should accept it with gratitude, not thinking of it as a gesture of pity, but as a sign of good will. And when we're back on our feet, we will pass on our own Christmas jar, hopefully next year.

Whoever you are, thank you for the Christmas Jar. And thank you Jason F. Wright for writing the book.