I'm taking Queen Teen to see a therapist in Mill Valley tomorrow. This person is supposed to help us manage Queen Teen's anxiety issues, especially around doctor's appointments. But right now, this appointment is creating anxiety for her, not helping.
When I told her about the upcoming appointment two days ago, she yelled that she wasn't going. Luckily I told her in the morning right before the school bus came so I didn't have to listen to the yelling all day. When she got home, she seemed to have forgotten about the appointment. But today when I picked her up from school, she was really quiet. When we got home she told me she didn't want to go to the doctor's.
"I'm tired of going to doctor's. Why do they have to be so far away?"
"I'm tired of them too, Honey. I wish they were closer."
"Well I don't want to! I hate doctors!" Then she started crying. It got even better from there.
Her councilor came to the house for his usual appointment and the two of them talked in her room for a while. She told him how angry she is about having to go, how much she hates doctors, how they are boring, how the car ride is too long... and on and on and on. She started to cry and he told her everything would be okay. When it was time for him to go, she went into the hallway and hit her calendar with two fists. "I'm not going and you can't make me!"
Oh this is fun.
Sometimes I really hate being the mom. I hate having to drag my furious daughter to doctor's appointments, hate having to hold her down when they need to do blood work, hate bribing her to get in the car. I hate the long drives, the long hours, the endless paperwork. I hate my daughter's screams of rage and then the tears when she realizes there's nothing she can do to stop it.
At dinner she looked directly at me and said, "The doctor wants to control my entire life!"
That is probably exactly how it feels to her. She has very little say about what happens to her. All she can do is fight for the meager control she has.
Where is the balance in all of this? How do I help her stop feeling so helpless, while also providing the care she desperately needs? How can I help her understand doctors are trying to help, not torture her?
Maybe the councilor and the therapist tomorrow will help me find some answers. But for now, this really sucks.
When I told her about the upcoming appointment two days ago, she yelled that she wasn't going. Luckily I told her in the morning right before the school bus came so I didn't have to listen to the yelling all day. When she got home, she seemed to have forgotten about the appointment. But today when I picked her up from school, she was really quiet. When we got home she told me she didn't want to go to the doctor's.
"I'm tired of going to doctor's. Why do they have to be so far away?"
"I'm tired of them too, Honey. I wish they were closer."
"Well I don't want to! I hate doctors!" Then she started crying. It got even better from there.
Her councilor came to the house for his usual appointment and the two of them talked in her room for a while. She told him how angry she is about having to go, how much she hates doctors, how they are boring, how the car ride is too long... and on and on and on. She started to cry and he told her everything would be okay. When it was time for him to go, she went into the hallway and hit her calendar with two fists. "I'm not going and you can't make me!"
Oh this is fun.
Sometimes I really hate being the mom. I hate having to drag my furious daughter to doctor's appointments, hate having to hold her down when they need to do blood work, hate bribing her to get in the car. I hate the long drives, the long hours, the endless paperwork. I hate my daughter's screams of rage and then the tears when she realizes there's nothing she can do to stop it.
At dinner she looked directly at me and said, "The doctor wants to control my entire life!"
That is probably exactly how it feels to her. She has very little say about what happens to her. All she can do is fight for the meager control she has.
Where is the balance in all of this? How do I help her stop feeling so helpless, while also providing the care she desperately needs? How can I help her understand doctors are trying to help, not torture her?
Maybe the councilor and the therapist tomorrow will help me find some answers. But for now, this really sucks.
3 comments:
Ugh - I hope the therapist can help (and not simply create more anxiety about medical appointments). I feel for Queen Teen - the distance can be grueling. They're having us take Nolan all the way to Rochester now, which is 3 hours each way. Six hours in the car for a single appointment - he complains about the travel, too - more than the appointment itself. Hugs to all of you!
I agree with Queen Teen completely. Getting help for anxiety problems is in itself MASSIVELY anxiety-triggering! Even for grownups!
"All she can do is fight for the meager control she has."
Any way to create choices surrounding something necessary? Can she be involved in the scheduling? Does she understand clearly of consequences of not choosing to go to an appt.
Would your rather this, or that? Even tough choices are choices - ones that you give but that you have to be willing to live with either choice. Wishing you both good luck!
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