Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The first New Year in ages I haven't been depressed.

I can now say with full certainty that the antidepressants are working, because this is the first year in... wow.... at least 20 years I haven't been depressed on New Years. Every year on New Years Eve, I would think about the past year and all of its trials and struggles. Then I would think about the coming year and the trials and struggles that were sure to come. Rather than feeling hopeful and excited, I'd feel the weight of the past year and think, "Thank God it's over." The future didn't hold much promise for things getting any better; it would be more of the same: work, fear, struggle and stress.

But not this year. The blues hang around on the fringes of my thoughts, but haven't taken the spotlight. I feel weary from an eventful year, but not beaten. The future is full of uncertainty as usual, especially with Queen Teen, but I'm not afraid of it. There's a sense that whatever may come, we'll all manage. I'm not exactly excited and hopeful, but I am certain that life is good and we are blessed.

I'm still not in love with this medication. It makes my brain hop around like a hyperactive squirrel on steroids, or like my dog, a geriatric boxer who thinks sitting means spinning around in circles. And I'm barely eating, something I need to keep an eye on so I don't lose too much weight. Luckily I gained about 11 pounds in grad school so I had the weight to lose. It also makes me chronically veracious, and not in a good way. Ask me my opinion and before my brain is able to send the signal to keep my mouth shut I've said exactly how I feel. Not a good thing to do at work... in front of your boss... while you're still on probation.

Hyperactive truth-telling is better than suicidal urges, though.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whoa - several dichotomous comparisons there! I don't disagree with you on any of them.

Feeling like you can handle uncertainty is definitely good. I'd buy some the that!