The Book Launch is on Internet TV

Hey look Ma. I'm famous! Sort of. My book launch on March 19th was filmed by Ukiah Valley TV and they posted it here. Scroll to 2:46 to see my 40 seconds of fame.

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. Between illness, book launches and doctor's appointments (plus painting my bedroom which took way too long) I've fallen off the blog habit. However, I haven't stopped reading your blogs. There are so many great writers out there!

It's so nice when children share...

...unless it's the flu.

Yep. I caught it. And I must say this is the mother of all flues. I haven't been this sick since 2002. I haven't had much energy to do more than lie on the couch and watch old movies all day: Libeled Lady, The Thin Man (all five of them), The Women, Clash by Night, Philadelphia Story, How to Catch a Millionaire... in between helping Queen Teen and trying to keep on top of laundry so we don't run out of clean undies.

Queen Teen is well and went back to school yesterday. Thank goodness. That now gives me from 7 am to 2 pm to watch another movie and blow my nose.

I'm tired of being sick.

I'll write more in a few days when I can coherently produce sentences. I want to tell you all about my book launch! Yep, I wrote a book and published it through my press. It's a handbook that explains how to create your own publishing company. The book launched last week in the midst of Queen Teen being so sick. Once the adrenaline of the official launch wore off, I had a 102 temperature. It's exactly like when I was an actress and would work like a dog during a play, then the moment the curtain fell on the last performance, WHAM! Every one of us would be sick.

My book is available on Amazon and Powells you're curious.

Gotta go. I feel the need for another 1930's movie.

It's a Mommy Thing

Queen Teen is very very very very very very sick. She's had a high fever and a bad cough for three days. Instead of going to school, I'm staying home with her because I found it physically impossible for me to leave. Really. I tried to pack up my gear this morning but I realized I was just standing in my room clutching my toothbrush while staring at my very dirty fishbowl thinking, "There's no way in hell I'm leaving." I returned my toothbrush to the bathroom and emailed my professors. So what if I get a hit on my grade; my girl needs me.

When I told Rick I was staying home he argued with me. "I can take care of her. Don't mess up your grades!"

"I know you can take care of her, but I simply can't leave."

"School is important. This is your career you're talking about. She's alright. I know what to do and I won't let anything happen to her. You need to go to class."

I just shrugged. "I can't. It is impossible for me to go. It's a mommy thing."

I didn't know how else to explain it and I know he doesn't understand. It's not that Rick is incapable of taking care of her. He's a great dad and knows perfectly well how to manage her fever and blow her nose. This feeling has nothing to do with his abilities as a care-giver. If Queen Teen just had a cold and was grumpy, I'd toss Rick the tissue box and say, "Have fun." Queen Teen has the flu. Last night her temp reached over 104 F. If I went to school tonight all I'd do the entire time is wonder how high her fever is while anxiously checking my messages every two minutes, fearing the worst. And if he did call saying Queen Teen needed me, I'd be over two hours away.

No. Impossible. Every cell in my body demands that I stay. My child has a gravitational pull on my psyche right now that nothing can escape. Not even sleep.

Does wiping green snot count as wearing green for St. Patrick's Day?

Why I Hate Daylight Savings Time

It's the first monday of daylight savings time. I'm sitting here at the computer trying hard to focus my thoughts on three hours of sleep. This is the third week of no coffee and herbal tea just ain't cutting through the haze of sleepiness. Queen Teen is watching a movie on her bed, unable to get to school due to a sleepless night. She was so tired this morning all she could do was cry. All of this sleepy misery is due to one so called money saving idea that plagues all parents with cranky children and insomnia: daylight savings time.

Supposedly daylight savings saves us money. With more day light hours during the time of day when we're home from work, we shouldn't have to use so much electricity, thereby saving several hundred dollars a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't know a single parent on the planet who wouldn't gladly give up those hundreds of dollars for that one hour of sleep back.

Or how about we just keep the clock right here and stop messing around with adding and subtracting an hour two times a year? If this is the optimum number of daylight hours for savings, then keep us on daylight savings forever.

Queen Teen's bus arrives at 6:50 am, which means she has to be out of bed by 5:30 am. With daylight savings, her body thinks it's 4:30 am, so of course she couldn't eat breakfast or get out of bed. Last week the sun was rising when she got on the bus. This week it's pitch black out and the sun doesn't rise until the end of first period.

We've gone through this every year since she was born. Toying with her body clock makes her ataxia worse. Worsened ataxia makes it hard for her to sleep, which makes the ataxia worse, which makes sleeping harder... and on and on it goes. By keeping her home today I'm trying to give her sensitive body a chance to catch up with the time change. Perhaps an extra day is all she needs to reset her internal clock.

I really hope so, because I can't do this no sleep thing without a lot of COFFEE.

Maybe we should move to Hawaii. I hear they don't have daylight savings. Neither does Arizona, although Arizona doesn't have a beach.

Did You Know That Ears Grow as Fast as Feet?

Or so it seems.

Queen Teen had another audiology appointment last week so she and I drove down to Palo Alto the night before and stayed in an inexpensive hotel (yes, there actually are inexpensive hotels in Palo Alto. Well... sort of). I decided to go down the night before the appointment to try and make it fun for Queen Teen. We had McDonalds for dinner in our cozy hotel room and watched TV, which was a novelty since we don't have TV at home. Then in the morning we went for a walk in the sunshine at the Stanford Mall and watched the shops open and the people wake up with their early morning Lattes. Queen Teen especially liked all the Springtime flowers that fill every section of the shopping center, the yellow pansies and exotic orchids, iris and daffodil, cherry blossoms and jasmine, and the dormant roses just starting to stir. She also loved all the fountains and made a wish in one that looked like a water fall, complete with bronze salmon. I bought her a cute doll that was on sale at a children's furniture store (she loves looking at the baby cribs), and then it was time for audiology.

Her smile vanished.

During the appointment, the audiologist rechecked her hearing to see if there were any changes. Queen Teen was a trooper and did as the doctor asked, but every time she had to respond to a tone, she would say, "Oh brother." It started to get funny. Beep... Oh brother... beep.... Oh brother... beep... At least she was consistent, which made the testing easier.

Then the doctor checked the ear molds of her hearing aids and that's when we discovered they were too small. VERY TOO SMALL. They didn't even reach the inner cartilage of her ear! I was surprised she had outgrown them so quickly (it had only been about 8 months), because before it had taken a couple of years for them to become too small. The doctor told me that at this age (13), Queen Teen will probably outgrow them every six months. I think her ears are growing as fast as her feet, probably faster than the rest of her body, which seems to need new clothes every five months.

The doctor made new ear molds and thankfully Queen Teen was cooperative and even giggled. "That feels funny." I told her the doctor was putting frosting in her ear and she laughed.

There does seem to be a reduction in Queen Teen's hearing, but it is too soon to tell for sure. It's common for there to be fluctuations in hearing tests, so we'll need to wait and see what the next few tests show before we can say for certain that her hearing is getting worse. However, the doctor agreed with me that Queen Teen needs to learn sign language, simply because if her hearing loss is related to neuropathy, which is a neurological disorder, rather than a simple hearing problem, then she will have fluctuations in her hearing daily and hearing aids won't be able to make up for that.

Anyone know a good place to learn Sign Language quickly? I need a crash course. I took it in college, but that was 16 years ago!

President's Day Week and Rain Are a Bad Combination

For some odd, unknown reason, schools in our district close for a week to celebrate President's Day. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln get the entire week rather than a Monday. They are very important people in America's history, but do we really need a week off from school to think about them?

Queen Teen's district feels that we do, so she and I got to spend an entire week together stuck at home fending off boredom. To make it more fun, it rained almost the entire time.

Queen Teen hates the rain. She is a sun worshiper. You can see her entire body glow on sunny days as she soaks up every ray of blue sky. She smiles and laughs, is attentive and even seems to hear better. On cloudy, rainy days, she is withdrawn and sullen. The longer it rains, the more miserable she becomes. I am the exact opposite: I LOVE the rain. When it hasn't rained in several weeks I start to get itchy, feeling as thirsty as the gold tinged hills of California. When the sun is out I hide under a wide brimmed hat and long sleeves, avoiding as much contact with those sunbeams as possible.

I should live in Ireland.

So, there we were, Queen Teen scowling at the rain with nothing to do, and me scowling at her scowling at the rain, longing to go for a walk in it. On Saturday, the first day of vacation, we had Dennis to distract us. By Sunday afternoon, Queen Teen was miserable, lying on her bedroom floor, sighing dramatically and proclaiming, "There's nothing to do." Sunday turned into an even rainier Monday, and she glared at me like I was a terrible mother because I couldn't make it stop raining. Gee, sorry kid. I appreciate your faith in me, but even a Super Mom can't control the weather. No matter what I found for us to do, from coloring to playing with her Groovy Girls to watching Sponge Bob, she remained morose.

On Tuesday, we were saved by the arrival of the greatest child-care worker in the world, A! I got to run away to school (they didn't give me the week off!) and Queen Teen got to whine at someone new. Actually the distraction of a new person broke the boredom and on Wednesday when A returned everything improved because the rain finally stopped and Queen Teen got to go for a walk in the sun. A bleak sun, but sunshine non-the-less. When I returned from school that afternoon my daughter was smiling and seemed glad to see me.

We had one more day to get through, Thursday, which thankfully remained dry, although not so sunny. I spent most of the day pushing Queen Teen in her chair walking around town, just happy to be out of the house with a happy girl. We ate the cookies we bought at the bakery in the town square and talked about clouds and the other people in the park, wondering where they worked and what their names were.

Friday I drove her to visit her dad for the weekend, and when I drove home, all alone in my car with bad 80's music blaring on the radio, I felt my shoulders relax for the first time all week. Why do I get so worked up when Queen Teen is unhappy? I simply can't stand it when she's sad. Every alarm in my head goes off like air-raid warnings. "Mayday. Mayday. Queen Teen is bored! Emergency! Prepare Plan A for depression aversion. Repeat, Prepare Plan A for depression aversion!"

Depression is the real enemy, not boredom. Boredom is only the precursor to depression, so if I can head off boredom the moment it starts, we can avoid the depression that causes Queen Teen to cry and lash out angrily, hitting people and throwing toys. She gets frustrated that she can't do what she wants because of her hand tremors, like color inside the lines or play with her doll house without knocking something over. All of her friends from elementary school have moved on, leaving her behind as they chase boys and talk on cell phones. Queen Teen understands profoundly how different she is from everyone else, including the other children with disabilities. She doesn't fit in with the blind kids because she's also deaf, but doesn't fit in with the deaf kids because she's also blind. She is very, very alone, and when she doesn't have the distraction of school or walks or sunny days, that feeling is so overwhelming she lashes out at everyone around her.

That's why I frantically try to keep her busy, while at the same time trying to work and keep up with my homework from graduate school. It is exhausting keeping up this constant song and dance for my daughter's entertainment, but the depression is far worse.

I had Saturday all to myself to do nothing but rest and play on the Internet. I managed to get a little work done, but mostly I wasted a lot of time, doing unproductive things like wandering around MySpace. My hubby and I saw Slum dog Millionaire and The Pink Panther 2 (I'll see anything with Steve Martin). We had a romantic dinner and drank too much wine and got to reconnect as people, not only as parents.

By Sunday, the rain had returned and I drove to Santa Rosa to meet Queen Teen and her dad. When I found them in the restaurant, she was crying. Her dad didn't know what to do. I picked up a napkin, wiped her tears, fixed her hair, sat beside her and held her hand. The tears slowly vanished and she agreed to eat her lunch. Her dad looked at me perplexed.

"What was that about?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Who knows. She's thirteen."

Queen Teen finished her lunch and grinned at me.

A Day With Cousin Dennis

Dennis from New Orleans came to California for a work related conference and then spent his free day with us in Healdsburg, a small town just south of us that has been completely transformed by the Sonoma County wine industry. When I was a child it was a farm town, complete with pick-up trucks and livestock. Now the town is filled with wine bars, bistros and BMW's. Too pricey for my lifestyle, but very pretty to look at.

Rick's brother Thor picked Dennis up in San Fran and the two drove to Healdsburg, meeting us at The Bear Republic, a brew pub with decent burgers. Queen Teen was excited to get out of the house, despite the rain. She adores her Uncle Thor, but couldn't remember Dennis who she last saw two years ago. At first she was shy, hiding under the brim of her baseball cap or peeking around my shoulder to stare at him. After a lunch of chicken strips and fries, she relaxed enough to smile at him and respond to his questions.

Dennis filled us in on the news from New Orleans; what's been rebuilt, what is gone, and how our family is doing. Overall it sounded like people were adapting to the new New Orleans, while still mourning the old. So many people were forced out of the city, either through economics or grief, but my family seems determined to stay, rebuilding once again, just as they've done for numerous generations. Hearing about the family made me homesick for a place that has never been my home. I'm not from Louisiana: I married a man who is. His family is very dear to me, especially because they have claimed my daughter as theirs.

Since I'm off the vino right now, I volunteered to be the driver so Rick could enjoy wine tasting with his brother and cousin. We stopped in a couple of tasting rooms, explored the town square and stopped in a toy shop where Queen Teen bought a soft soccer ball. Then we had coffee and hot chocolate at The Flying Goat cafe. This time Queen Teen sat beside Dennis and grinned at him while guzzling her chocolate.

When the rain started to come down harder and the wind turned icy, we decided to go. We took one more picture of Queen Teen and Dennis sitting on a stone bench carved to look like a pig (which I hope he'll give me a copy of soon), and then said our goodbyes. I hope it won't be another two years before we see Dennis again.

Mourning for Chocolate

(image from: Koichi Kamoshida/Getty Images)

I don't mind being 42. In fact, in many ways it's really great. I feel emotionally and mentally stronger. I know what I want, what I need, and what I dislike. My boundaries are clearer and I'm not afraid to say no. In so many ways, being 40-something is magic.

Unfortunately, my body isn't keeping up with my spiritual growth.

On Monday, I visited my Chinese Medical doctor for another acupuncture treatment and we talked about the chronic pain and stomach trouble that has slowly gotten worse over the years. I've been to doctors and specialists and no one can find anything wrong, therefore the consensus is that my symptoms are stress induced. Really? Gee, I'm shocked.

Anyway, after being told to avoid stress and try to relax more (yeah, I'll get right on that), I started getting acupuncture treatments by a really good Chinese Medical doctor. Slowly some of my symptoms have improved, but not enough to make either of us happy. Time for drastic measures.

"You have to stop eating chocolate," he said.

I just stared at him.

"And you should avoid red wine, cheese and coffee."

I think I fainted.

He leaned across the table and folded his hands. "If you don't give up these things, I don't think I can help you."

"I don't drink coffee. Only decaf." My voice sounded breathless.

"It's not the caffeine. It's the tannins. Too drying. They create too much heat in your system which is causing the pain and acid reflux."

Then he reemphasized the point, as if telling me I had lost all my money and was bankrupt. "If you don't stop eating chocolate and drinking coffee, I can't help you."

I nodded and said, "Of course." But as I walked home from his office I knew I was in big trouble.

Chocolate is more than a treat to me: chocolate is way of life. I am a connoisseur of that delectable nectar. I can taste the difference between Ecuadorian chocolate and Peruvian chocolate. A Hershey bar is NOT chocolate, it contains chocolate. Same goes for Nestle. I love the smell, smoothness, bitterness, and flavor of good, strong, dark chocolate with just a touch of cream to even out the waxiness. It makes me shiver with delight and helps me smile when I doubt I will ever smile again.

And now, to save my health, I have to give it up.

To say I'm suffering from withdrawals is an understatement. But I have to ask myself, how badly do I want to be healthy? Is chocolate worth being sick all the time.

YES!!!!!!

I mean, of course not.

Last night, I ate the last bit of chocolate in my stockpile of chocolate I keep in my bedroom for emergencies. There is no more chocolate in the house. None. At all. Not even chocolate chips. I am 100% chocolate free. Lord help me.

Once the withdrawals end, I'll eliminate coffee. One thing at a time please, or I might go into shock!

Happy Birthday, Mom

My birthday was on Feb. 4th and this year my daughter went out with the babysitter and picked out a gift for me. The sitter told me Queen Teen went from store to store in our downtown, examining trinkets and books, scarves and hair pins, until she found what she wanted at a crystal, New-Age type store.

"That's it," she declared, pointing at the sparkling present. The sitter helped Queen Teen count out her money and the sales clerk wrapped it up in a ribboned box. Queen Teen was very proud of her gift and held it tightly in her hands all the way back home.

When I walked into the house that afternoon after driving back from school in San Fran, the sitter told me how hard Queen Teen hunted for the perfect gift, and that she mostly did it on her own.

"She knew what she wanted to give you, and she used her own money to do it," she said.

Later that day, Queen Teen, Rick and I sat at the table, eating the Gluten-Free birthday cake they had made for me, and then opened my presents. Rick bought me an expansion pack to The Sims that I wanted (I am Sims addict!). Then I opened the box from Queen Teen and pulled out a lavender, heart-shaped crystal dangling from a glass-beaded wire. It was so beautiful! Queen Teen giggled as I stared at it and Rick said, "Wow. She sure put my present to shame."

This is the first time my daughter has hunted so diligently for a gift for me and then used her own money to pay for it. And as I looked at the beautiful rainbow catcher, I realized she'd probably used every dime in her piggy-bank to buy it for me.

Of course she's bought me gifts before. Rick usually takes her to Big Lots and gives her ten dollars to pick something out for me. When she was four she gave me a Cosmopolitan magazine because the lady on the cover was "pretty." I still have it. And I treasure every single paper flower, flashlight and stationary kit that child has given me over the years. But this gift is so... grown up.

I hugged her tightly, and then she helped me decide where to hang it. It's now hanging in my kitchen window where it will capture the late afternoon sunshine, sending a cascade of rainbows across the counter tops.

Stealing from the Blind

Ashlee's Mom, at the blog Pipecleaner Dreams, posted a link to this article by ABC News about how people react when they see a clerk at a store rip off blind customers. Overall very interesting, especially the fact that people react differently when it is a woman who is blind being stolen from rather than a man who is blind.

What Would You Do? Customers Speak Up When Clerk Shortchanges Blind Person.

There's also a video.

Thanks Ashlee's Mom for letting us know about this article.