Saturday, September 12, 2009

I am terrible at relaxing

I had minor surgery on Tuesday and have been lying on the couch watching old movies and drinking tea for four days. You'd think I'd be in heaven. What mom wouldn't love to spend four days lounging on the couch while other people do the laundry, the dishes, the housework, the childcare, the shopping and the bills? Unfortunately, I suck at relaxing.

I can't do it. Lying here, I think about the thousands of things that need to be done, like homework and editing and refilling the hummingbird feeder. I worry that Queen Teen is feeling stressed out by my incapacity and I feel guilty because my husband is having to do everything. He races from room to room, helping Queen Teen, doing the housework, answering the phone, running to the pharmacy, while trying to work on computers. My mom came one day to help, my friend Jane came the next. My sister-in-law stopped by with a Starbucks latte and some scrap booking magazines. All of these people came to help and support me while I recover.

I hate it.

I am the one who takes care of people. The one who waits on people. Not the other way around. So getting all of this attention is disturbing. Which forces me to ask: do I really think I don't deserve the help?

Why can't I allow myself to relax, say thank you when help is offered, let go of any guilt at watching the Thin Man in the middle of the afternoon, and stop worrying that Queen Teen will be damaged by my four days on the couch? Are all moms like this, or just me?

My family is struggling, but managing. Queen Teen has done a good job taking care of herself and my husband has dealt with all the extra responsibility without entirely losing his mind (mostly). They aren't the happiest people in the world though, and I see clearly how my energy keeps this family and our home running smoothly. But no one has died from my incapacity, not even the fish.

Perhaps I just need more practice letting go and relaxing. Although next time, I'll go on vacation and skip surgery.


Terri said...

It is great that everyone is so supportive and capable... sorry you have the brakes on, but it isn't permanent. You will be back running the world before long!hor

Try to be patient and get well... I will keep you in my thoughts.

Jane Mackay said...

Dang it! I forgot to check the hummingbird feeder before I left. Next time, remind me. ;-)

I know you're really struggling with being idle, but I firmly believe the after-effects of a few days of forced indolence will outweigh the difficulty. Mitigated, of course, by the after-effects of the surgery. The more you're able to relax and accept what is, the greater will be the benefits.

I hope you're up and about very soon, if not already.

mommytoalot said...

Oh dear..i know what you mean. I had the day off yesterday to recover from the flu..but it's not easy to lay around...
Most of the kids were gone but I had one little one home and she was so bored and sad without her playmates.
mmm Starbucks and magazines sound good though.
hope you continue to mend.
thanks for your kind comment on my blog..
and very sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Princess Abigail said...

Goodness gracious me ... I'm gonna have to come over and give you some 'lazing around being served by others' training - delivered by the Artiste par Excellence, in person! I could laze around being served head and foot all day every day. I have one question which intrigues me in this post : where do you find hummingbirds? And where do you find cages with tight enough wires to keep them? And where can I find them in France? And can you post up some pictures of them? I am truly fascinated!